Mr. Waffles on the Bachelorette

So there is this one yellow haired lady person but not MY yellow haired lady person. This lady person has very, very small teeth. Smaller than mine even! And my teeth are very small. Because I am a small dog and they are proportional. She goes on walks with lots of different man peoples, and she sleeps at the foot of LOTS of beds. She also licks their faces a lot. I have not much experience with face licking. There is only one whose face I want to lick, and she is a gray cat named Pawlly. She has a squishy stomach and 6 toes on each of her feet. But this yellow haired lady person licks lots of faces. That's all she does all day is lick peoples faces. One man who face she really enjoys licking has magic poofy eyebrows and sometimes talks in a language I don't understand. I think it might be French. I don't know much about French, but I think it would sound different than the language that my lady people speak because they are not French. He wears a strange stripey costume and hits balls into fields. I was surprised to see that the yellow haired lady person did not attempt to run and catch the ball in her mouth, but then realized her tiny teeth were most likely very brittle and would break if she attempted to catch a ball in her mouth. Though I believe even if she were toothless the costumed man would still want to lick her. There is one man who has no mommy. This saddens me. But it seems that the yellow haired lady person will be his mommy instead. There is a thing man and lady people do called "getting down on one knee." This is what happens when you want to lick someone's face for the rest of time. This is how I feel about Pawlly. Though her hair is not poofy like mine, she is large and so we are equal in size. Also her tongue is dry and so when she licks my face I am not slobbered on, like when the mommy-less man person licks the yellow haired lady person. I think I will have my brown haired lady person get me a haircut and I will sell my magic fur to the highest bidder and then I will buy a diamond collar for Pawlly. And then she will want to lick my face forever and ever. And this would make me very happy because grey is my favorite color and cats are my favorite animals... well, except dogs because I am one.

Mister Waffles on Halloween

This past Friday was my very first Halloween with my lady people. Halloween is, indeed, a very strange holiday. All the people wear different animals which confuse and/or scare me. My brown haired lady person had a large creature living on her head. I am not sure what type of animal it was but she tried to make the creature lovable by putting a bow on it when really it was horrifying. I had to hide under the bed for a very long time in order to calm my frayed nerves. My yellow haired lady person cut off the tails of two llamas and pasted them to either side of her head. It was very strange, though I did not feel afraid. I am not afraid of llama tails. Next Halloween, I hope that my brown-haired lady person will wear me on her head since I am unafraid of heights. Someday, I hope my lady people will take me up in a hot air balloon. I love balloons. Sometimes, when I see myself in the mirror, I think my poofy fur makes me look like a hairy, brown balloon. This pleases me.

Mister Waffles on Education

School is a very strange idea, I think. It is like a job you pay to attend. I hear my lady people talking all the time about how expensive their school was and how they will be paying for their school until they are very, very old. They went to a very special school called The Boston Conservatory of Ass. I believe a conservatory is a special school for Thieves because The Boston Conservatory of Ass stole all of my lady people's money. I think I would like to attend this school because then I could wear a thief costume. I would wear a bandana tied around my neck and a black mask and then I would sneak into the school vault and steal back all of my people's money. And I would eat a lot before and would leave in place of the money paper bags filled with my own poop. And then, using matches hidden in my poofy fur, I would light the bags on fire and the whole school would burn to the ground and the ashes would smell like the ass the school conserved.

Mister Waffles on Employment, Part 2

It is my job to be cute. That is all. I do not have to work very hard at it. It comes very naturally to me, in fact. I do not have to be smart or good with numbers, I just have to exist and bring people joy. I do not think that this is what my people do at their jobs. I imagine that my yellow haired lady person goes to work at a rainbow factory. In this rainbow factory, they make rainbows from painted coffee cups and a taffy pulling machine. My brown haired lady person sits in an office all day making up nonsense words by which to address me, i.e. Schmunkins, Waffleybumpers, Mistercuteypiepants. I believe she works very hard at it as she is never without a new name. Someday, I would like for my brown haired lady person to think up a name that my yellow haired lady person would make into a rainbow that would arch across the sky. And everyone would look up and think, "Ah, yes, Waffle-o-tron... he is a wise and poofy dog."

Mister Waffles on Employment

I don't have a job because I am dog. And I think my life is all the better for it. I am very confused by my people who have jobs and leave me alone all day. Not because they leave me alone, but because they leave the house all day and then they come home and they are very unhappy. My yellow haired lady person sometimes cries so I lick her hand and let her rub my tummy. I am very poofy. I find that people are happier the poofier I am. Perhaps I have magic fur. I wish to share my magic fur with the world. I wish my yellow haired lady person and my brown haired lady person would take me to Africa where my magic, poofy fur would cure AIDS.